I've learned a very valuable lesson. Expensive, but valuable.

I have done foolish things. I have been called a fool by others in the past. Today, however, is the first day that I have ever actually felt like a fool... 

Barely breathing...

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

So be it...

Update on job/contract situation: As of today, I am officially unemployed.

I went to our shelter's thrift store, as the executive director's office is located inside. I took my folder of research that I had compiled on the validity (or lack thereof) of the contract forced upon me in attempt to make me become an independent contractor. I told the director I would like to speak with her about the contract. I was friendly and polite, and told her there were some discrepancies and issues that I wanted to try to work out. I told her that I had done research and had spoken to representatives from the labor board and the IRS in attempts to get a better grasp on the contract language. I told her I was there to see if we could discuss the contract and work out a solution for us both, since I actually do love my job. 


She jumped out of her chair, began raving about how she was tired of people pissing her off, spouting our state's "fire at will" clause, etc etc. I politely told her I was not there to "piss her off" and that I would like to discuss the matter calmly and rationally. She screamed "how dare you go to the labor board", and that I had two choices: sign it and hand it to her or don't sign it and get out. I told her that I could not in good conscience sign the contract as is. 


She yanked open the office door, told me that I obviously didn't want my job, and to get out. I again asked her if we could just discuss the matter. Instead, she continued raving (in front of a thrift store full of customers) that I need to get out. She told me she would be expecting my resignation letter. I told her I would NOT be writing a letter of resignation because that would be the same as stating that I was quitting the position, and that as I viewed it I was being fired for not signing the contract. She said so be it. I handed her my shelter keys and began walking towards the door. She ran in front of me, yanked the shop door open and once again told me to get out. I remained calm and polite (despite my urge to tell her exactly what I thought of her and her contract), and told her that I was sorry we were not able to come to a workable solution. She slammed the door in my face. 

I drove from there directly to the Employment Security Commission office. They made copies of the contract, and told me that I need to go ahead and sign up for unemployment. After reading the contents of the contract, the ESC rep waved it around in front of my face and said "This right here could bring that whole place crashing down". He pointed out areas of the contract that even I missed, about the contradictions and illegal things in the contract. If this were a regular business, I would probably go full force into bringing them down, or at least causing them a huge inconvenience (with labor boards, IRS, etc). However, this is a place that I loved because of how they help our community, and the families/victims of domestic violence. I'm still debating on how far I will go. I don't want to hinder the good that comes from this place, but I do want to make them do the right thing for the people they employ, so if that happens... "so be it".

A day at the fair...

NC Mountain State Fair

My view from the chair lift launch.

It was 80 degrees but sure why not. I prefer fairs at night when the midway lights are dancing, twirling, and spinning. It was nice to get in early though and not have to wait in lines for the rides. (I did, however, break the cardinal rule of fairs: do not eat the fair food BEFORE hopping on the Scrambler, Tilt-a-Whirl, or Himalayan for multiple rides.)

The fair was typical of mountain fairs. Stables and barns full of livestock. Bucking broncs and Brahmas, 4H blue ribbon winning chickens and sheep, goats and turkeys, beef cattle and pot-bellied pigs. Buildings cordoned off for ribbon ceremonies for best pie, biggest watermelon, best jam, best quilt stitching, yada yada.

All in all it was a fun day with family. I am kind of disappointed that I didn't ride the mechanical bull though. Ya never know, maybe I would have been the one who won the $200 prize. (Yeah right.)

A Livid Moment

I work as the overnight manager for a nonprofit domestic violence shelter. I do my job and do it damn well. I have implemented some really good changes/programs/etc and thought that I was a valued team member. I was even put in charge of a large chunk of our annual fundraiser/awareness program. I knew that my pay was going down due to losing some grant funding. That's normal in this sector and in this economy. I expected it. No big deal, other than tightening the purse strings. Boy, was I wrong.

I came in to work tonight. Payday. Noticed my paycheck envelope was a little fatter than usual. Odd, but sometimes our executive director passes along training/conference info that way. I opened the envelope to find a contract. A fucking contract that says I am no longer an employee but a contracted laborer. I no longer have access to benefits, insurance, workers comp, shelter "umbrella" coverage (accidents/etc), or anything else that employees should be entitled to with this organization. They also will no longer be taking taxes out of my pay. The unemployment? Sucks but I can deal. The workers comp/umbrella coverage? THAT'S freaking crazy as hell to me, seeing as how this is a potentially dangerous job. Hell, I was assaulted by a client in October. What if a client's abuser stormed the gate and started shooting up the place? What if something happened to me on the job? I would be screwed. As for the tax thing. Eh, I worked as an H&R Block tax preparer for years so that's no problem. The pay though? These people must be out of their freakin' minds. My pay sucked to begin with but now they are wanting to pay me $45 per night for 9 nights per biweekly pay period...DESPITE the fact that they still want me to work my normal schedule of 11 hours per night, 5 nights per week. Are they insane? Needless to say, I am pissed. I am taking the contract to the Employment Security Commission office in the morning to see if they can shed any light on things for me. I am also applying for other jobs. Since I got this damn contract tonight I have already applied to be the store manager of Office Depot, the assistant store manager for Lowe's, substance abuse counselor at the corrections facility, and even my old job as an optometric technician for the local eye dr. I'm just pissed. Well, livid is a better word. I'm also hurt. There aren't many of us working here, and we've always been like a family, a team. We all do our jobs and do them well. My position and the weekend 48 hour shift position are the only ones who have been contracted, because apparently it is a new "trend" among the local nonprofit shelters. Day shift and swing shift will still be sitting here getting paid the adequate wage for the adequate hours, with all the perks. I just feel fucking betrayed. It sucks. I also just don't get it. Our main focus here is teaching empowerment to women/clients/victims/survivors. How the hell am I supposed to teach empowerment when I am being tossed around in my own personal/professional environment? How can I teach empowerment when I am not able to empower myself? (In this situation, anyway.) I have bad days. Every job does. Especially this one because of the high stress and emotional factor. Even with that, I love my job and what I do. It's why I went back to school. I'm studying both human services and substance abuse counseling. I did that because of this job. Because I wanted to do MORE for my clients. I wanted more knowledge and more resources to help my clients succeed and survive. I guess I will find another venue to do what it feels as though I was intended to do, because I will not stay here. Even if they were to rip that contract up and offer me a big fat raise, the damage is done. I will find another job. (The sooner the better, preferably.)

Listing My Life

I'm going to attempt to do some lists. I have a really neat little book that someone gave me as a gift, called "List Your Self: Listmaking as the Way to Self-Discovery" by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick. I'm going to try to do the lists on here, with at least 10 items for each list. I'm not hoping for an epihany, but perhaps a little enlightenment into my thoughts...